You know, that's why I hate making new friends, clinging to them, and having just a boring moment turn in to a good waste of time, if you know what I mean.

You really don't hold what's going to happen and you cannot make everything turn out the way you want them to be. And that what sickens me. When you finally found someone you can hang out with, call as your friend, they suddenly leave. They leave not because something happened between the two of you but because they just have to leave.

And there you are, all the while thinking you and this people you suddenly become friends with will be together for, like, a very long time, suddenly disappeared into thin air. Poof!!! Reality check: everything is temporary. It hurts. It hurts to be left all alone.

It makes me think if they feel the same way I feel. That they feel sad because they have to leave "a friend" they newly made. Or, are they enthusiastic to dwell into a new adventure?

For whatever reasons, no matter what happens, life really goes on. And it should keep moving on.

For this low hearted monkey, it's just not the case. To me, my world suddenly stops. I am alone. I will have no one to talk to anymore.

Its strange how I feel like this. I mean, I have my own world. It emanates I don't really care about the world around me but the truth is, I am as conscious as a sleeping dog. Maybe -- maybe I just need to show a little bit of concern. Like care, like show that I am sad because people have to leave...that they just have to, well, leave.

I am nonchalantly going through every experience there is. Experience such as "good byes". But deep inside, I really feel like weeping.

I don't know. I think I should go back to drowning myself in books again, which I have started doing. I think I should just stay away in making new friends for a while. Especially here in this multicultiral community, people come and go.

Perhaps being Asian has got a lot to deal with in terms of socialising, communicating with some races.

Yesterday and a week before, I had felt I have been demoralized and discriminated for being Asian...or maybe thats just how I felt. But - really, I felt I just had gotten a racist remark. I initially thought of it as nothing, actually, but it played in my mind for a while and I realized I was mocked.

You know the feeling when a group of people speak in their tongue and then asks you "where are you from?" to which you would proudly reply "...from the Philippines!" and then they bagan to speak in their language again and burst out a devilish giggle. That's just exactly what happened yesterday.

I know its something mundane in a multicultural country that "where are you from?" questions be asked in any given day.

What happened yesterday was different. The customer I assisted with yesterday are one lady who sloppily wears her "abaya" and one arabic looking guy in normal clothes, who I thought at first were a couple. The Arab guy (I think they're Levant or maybe one of those mixed races of the middle east) politely asked me "where are you from?" with his super 'close-up' commercial smile (he's cute, yeah) and I told him "I'm from the Philippines, sir." The lady with a sloppily worn abaya began to talk in arabic with a giggle and they both sneered.

"Why? Do I look Chinese?" I asked.
"I thought you are Vietnamese." she answered.

I told her, "Yea, we're all the same. Chinese, Malaysian, Thailander, we look the same." After which, they spoke in arabic language with a snicker.

She then asked me, "who cut your hair?" but what I heard was "look at your hair?" or something like that. I dont know exactly what I answered her but what i remembered is that i told her, "its funky".

Is that a _&_(the brand I'm working for) hairstyle?" she asked.

"No." I replied. "Sometimes I wear them polished." raising my hand on top of my head for a gesture.
"Why dont you wear it like that sometimes." she remarked.
"I do. I like having different hairstyles. But if I work for ----- & -------, the first line, I have to keep my hair polished all the time."

She began talking in arabic again combined with an insulting laugh. At that moment, I didn't entertain the idea that they are mocking me. So after doing the transaction with them, i politely said "Thank you, have a good day!" with my smile flashing from ear to ear.

After that moment it all sank in. Shankar, our stockroom guy who was standing a few feet away from the counter, witnessed the whole scene and told me, "they we're laughing at you hair." So i checked myself in the mirror walls we have in the shop. My hair looked fine. It was finger-combed but it looks ok.

Then I realised maybe that's why she thinks I'm from Vietnam because of my spikey, almost unruly hair. I mean it looks ok and I'm sure there's nothing wrong the way my hair was fixed. Maybe it lacks shine but it is ok overall. Vietnamese people, from stereotype, have chinky eyes and spikey hair covered by that native hat of which I don't know what to call. Maybe thats where it came from why she said, "I thought your vietnamese." My hair was spikey alright, and I have been mistaken several times as chinese because, maybe, I have chinky eyes. But whats wrong with my hair?

There's nothing racist about the whole English conversation but who knows, maybe in between those arabic words they are saying something bad about me...and my hair. I actually do not get offended when a group of people speak their tongue. But that was different. Its called gut feeling, I believe. You know, you got to trust that feeling when you suspect something bad is actually going on. I got that feeling. When I get it, it's always correct.

I do not know for sure if i got a racist remark, but I feel inside that I did

I think I have to clean my ears...

Similarly, last week, A lady who looked respectable and all that raised her voice on me saying, "You dont listen to customers, do you?"

Excuse me? I hear you alright madam. i am just verifying the spelling of your name in order not to confuse the system with your arabic name that seems to be taken by everyone else of your kind! I got the spelling of your name, yes. But for verification I have to repeat it. Thats how you do it, in case you do not know.

The thing is, i asked her if she's registered in our sytem or with ---- -th A---- (the store where which we belong). She said she doesnt know and said,

"try it under my name,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _." she said providing me with the spelling.

We normally asks for number when looking up for previous registrations, since pulling up names would normally result to a number of names, if not, none. So I proceded typing in her name and verifying at the same time. 'ENTER'.

I was right, her name pulled up a lot of results. I told her,

"its coming under a lot of names. let me verify the spelling again madam."

To my disbelief she said, "You dont listen to customers, do you?" in a tone a little higher than her normal voice previously. That shook me! Rattled my brain! Am i not listening carefully? i asked myself. Confused, feeling the blood raised to my face, I continued.

"Let me search under your mobile number".

"050-------"

"ahh, Ms ---- T----"

"Yes."

"it was registered in a different spelling madam, thats why we couldn't pull it up the first time. Let me update it for you." I said in my very angelic way.

"I know I must have been registered because I receive letters from your mailing list". She replied in her normal tone.

I didnt understand what she meant by mailing lists.

After that transaction, still having that embarassment of thinking my listening skills have gone poor, heavy burden in my heart being ridiculed because she thinks I dont have good customer service, I bade her good bye in my most polite and sincere way.

You see, she is nice actually but i dont know what gotten into her. maybe she doesnt like to repeat her self three times. So, my bad. But to ridicule me with the tone she had when she said "You dont listen to customers, do you?" is so out of hand. i know she, too, felt ashamed raising her voice on me. Because i was indeed listening to her. And i want to give her prompt service. It's just that, whoever registered her on our system did not input her details very well.

Some of this Arab people think we asians are stupid or something. That we are low-class people. But as my Russian colleague said a few times, "these people who think we are shit are actually those people who are shit themselves." Just because we are working in a customer service industry where we have to follow orders from our customers doesnt mean we are lowly people. We are in fact the people who have more. More patience, more understanding, more knowledge about all of you people. And the fact that most of us working in this country happen to be Asian: southeast, subcontinent or just Asians doesnt mean we are poor laborers. We give our share in making this country better, right? We are of service to locals and to people they invite to visit this country. So we must be treated well, too. You be Asian, African or whatever.

It's a cliche. "Respect begets respect." It's all that simple. And I wish the people living in this country (not necessary locals, but mostly to expats) will realize we need to give that in order to get it.

and I'm another year old (but not wiser nor richer)!
to me (tomorrow) and to my managers Dani and Joven (both in white).

First birthday miles away from the people whom I hold dear. :-)

Don’t get me wrong for whining for far too much but I’m really having a hard time to cope up with what Dubai life have in store. For one, I can’t stand the heat and two, everything seems to be falling out of place…or I should say, even during day one dubai has never really been generous to give me happiness in the first place.

I’m sorry for being a cynic but I am not happy. Sure, I got a great job (minus the over tactless and tension generator manager that supervises me) with good pay but I am not feeling it without getting what I truly want (friends, nice place to live in, nice environment, fine weather). I cannot even have a quiet moment to myself anymore like I used to. Moving to Dubai I thought was a great decision but neither it has become better, not even close for being better. So far from being better!

I started to gained friends but I loose them so suddenly. Not that I loose them for something bad but of being together. These friends I call are 4 girls I share the flat with. We don’t see each other every day because of work schedule differences. But the thought that at least twice a week, I get to sit down with them and just have a silly talk and enjoy the out-of-work and stress-free moments we all get to steal from our heavily busy schedules. I sure do enjoy those times I share with them. Watching dvd’s at night. Watching Filipino shows online. Eat together. Cook food for all of us. Share rice. All that I am going to miss.

They were thrown out of the flat. For a silly reason. And tonight I met with them but all I could feel was pity. They have had no time to at least look for a place to move in. it was all sudden. Now they, as they told me, are sharing one bunk bed in a small room together with people they don’t know. I couldn’t help but feel awkward. I wish I could help but my resources is not that enough.

Dubai life isn’t easy and it isn’t grand. Dubai is full of misadventures and pain. It only has to be dealt with accordingly and that is not to care, but care only for yourself and the people who care about you.

I am not happy in dubai. I am trying to be happy by keeping myself think about nothing but work and the people I care for. I give myself three years in dubai… and I am never coming back here. This is not the place for me.

As I stay longer here in Dubai, the more I’ve been wanting to go home.

The news on TV Patrol about the non stopping rain in the Philippines is what really makes me want to go back! As it is, the heat here in Dubai is in staggering degrees so I cannot blame myself if I extremely miss the rain. I cannot enjoy an early morning walk to the pick up point where my transport picks me up. And the same goes on my way back to my place. Everyday, the heat is there to ruin my day. In the Philippines, even if it is hot I still can enjoy a walk whereever I am going any time of the day…or night.

Even if I wanted to go for a run in Zabeel Park (close to where I stay), I cannot. The heat is enough to perspire me even if I just stand in one corner. And I just don’t get it how these people of Dubai can take such heat?!

British may love the heat here in Dubai because no wonder how cold it is in their country. But for people like me, a lowly rice eating asian who has not experience extreme high temperatures would not fall in love to this troubling heat! I’ve experience winter here in Dubai but its not that extreme. Its more like just a little bit lower than the lowest degree in the philippine temperature. Winter here is cold alright but at noon, its hot. But then its better than this heat we have here now,stifling. Hot and humid!

I don’t know where I’m going! I’m just going loco of the heat!

I am also going loco from the environment in which I work. It is true you cannot ace everything. Everywhere, there are still people to pull you down and people who will squeeze you dry. Thank God for the patience! Grant me more of it, for I do not know what I can do if I suddenly blow up!

the rain...


and my kikay!!


I so miss showering in the rain, seeing the rain fall, and everything about rain!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
And I miss my dog, kikay! i wanna hug her and lie beside her and cuddle with her....

I think i'm gonna cry now. *sigh*

(rain photo was grabbed from my firndster ROcel, from Montreal Canada during her vacay in the region. and kikays photo was taken from my sister's friendster profile )

Latest? I hate my job. oh not the job itself but the circumstances that is happening from work. or maybe, its not my job...it is entirely my UAE stay. I just feel I don't belong here....

I
am
very
VERY
tired!!!

For almost seven months that I am here in Dubai, four months in this shop where I work and this now-seemingly-ugly-mall in my eyes, I feel like taking the next flight back home!

I am ver very tired of the people, the culture, my manager, and some pain in the ass people I come across with in this country. But there's one thing, in three (four) words, I've learned working in this country and working as person to person customer service sales associate: I don't care.

I don't care if my manager is a big damn stress, even if he spoils my happy mood in a snap! It pains me big time that he robs me of my energy from doing what he does but I began and learning not to care. I don't know if it is a good thing or what. I am starting to be numb. It aches for a minute or so, then later on, fcuk! Why should I let somebody put me down?

oh, my manager is not wicked. He is just so tactless. A motor mouth. He speaks without thinking if he is hurting some one from his not so carefully chosen words. and he is so damn hyper!!!

I told my colleague once,

I dont know what ****(name of my manger) wants. He lets us do this, say this and then he forgets and then tells us another thing completely east to west!

And she said,

Well, you know what I think? I think he, too, doesn't know what he wants.

True, maybe.

Because from the looks of it, he sometimes is irrational. And his being irrational makes it seem like the rational thing to be...in our world in those four corners of the shop.

But don't get me wrong. Even if my manager shouts at us, acts very unprofesionally towards us sometimes, scares and stress the hell out of us most of the time, he still apologize to us at the end of the day. He realize if his treatment towards us becomes too much to take. And that is a good thing. A one sincere and polite apology sometimes eases the pain he have caused someone.

Then again, the thing is, it is a cycle! I guess the saying "you cannot teach an old dog new tricks" is absolutely and ultimately true.

Oh well, thats the life I've been living here in Dubai.

Same thing to expect everyday. The only consolation is? I see cute guys come to the shop. The bonus? Seeing their rock hard bodies from the reflection of the fitting room mirror when they do not close the curtain properly. Hehehehe. Nice washboard abs some of them posses, in underwear, and the most shocking of all is when I see fully naked asses of both men and women who unabashedly (and or unknowingly) display themselves from the reflection and or those mirrors just betray them and show what they meant to hide behind those curtains. AND I guess I must admit, I feel good when I see these cute men show a little skin and tickle my fancy. hehehhe. Well, there's the voyuer in me. All out to confess.

The thing though is, really, I just am tired from all the stress. Some origin I do not know. Perhaps I just miss Home. No. Not perhaps. I do miss HOME so so much! My dog, Kikay. The rainy days. The tropical sun. Coconut trees. My lolo and lola. My grandfather's garden. The sweet smell of the earth early in the morning. The quiet afternoons. The cold nights. Night outs with friends...and the list can go on and on.

------------------------------------

My sister by the way came back last June after she left Dubai last May. She decided to come back and give birth here. But then, the woman that she is, she wanted to go back to the Philippines and give birth there instead. She's in the hospital now, since last night because she was bleeding and fearing of miscarriage (I hope God won't let that happen). I called her from work this afternoon and she decided to go back home this august and give birth there instead and raise the baby there as well. My brother in law is thinking of going home for good as well. With all these things coming all at the same time, work stress, me being alone in this seemingly unsophisticated country...I do not know what to think anymore. All I know is I feel tired and I feel soooooo very poor and alone in this strange land.

And Damn I miss the Rain sooooo much!!